The Ron to my Hermione
by fear dah bunnies
Summary: Kurt Hummel had spent his entire life searching for the Ron to his Hermione.


Kurt Hummel had spent all of his life searching for the Ron to his Hermione.

As a young child, he'd spent many a day poring over his hardbound, jewel-toned copies of J. K. Rowling's famous series; he'd read and reread them until the spines were stiff and cracking, and then he'd done the same to the second set he received.

The first set had a spot of honor on his bookcase; an entire row was set up specifically for his Harry Potter books and Harry Potter-related things.

Kurt's attachment to Hermione as a character was only to be expected; as a young boy who was often teased, harassed, and virtually friendless, he'd developed a weakness for any character that went through the same thing as he did, especially those who came out on top after it all went down. Hermione was the epitome of what he strived to be, especially as a small child: smart, brave, loyal to a fault, resourceful, and not afraid to slap someone who needed a good slapping.

Out of all the boys he'd crushed on, Kurt was sure that Finn was the closest to a perfect Ron: slow on the uptake, quick to anger, prone to dramatics when not fed correctly, but loyal and sweet. It helped that Kurt had had to kill a total of thirty four spiders since Finn had moved in.

Sam was second: his sweet, calm nature betrayed him in this field, and left him defenseless against Finn's Ron-esque grudges and dramatics. Sam also beat Finn out in the field of intelligence by a large margin-he was closer to Harry in that level.

Sam's Harry-ness brought Kurt to Blaine. Out of all of them, Blaine had to be the least like Ron. The first person that came to Kurt's mind was Harry when he thought of Blaine-Blaine was kind, wise behind his ears, and cared deeply about everyone around him. He had Harry's temper-quick to ignite, like Ron's, but different in that he wouldn't fight over just anything, and he didn't fight with most people.

And Kurt was fine with having a Harry instead of a Ron, really. He guessed he wasn't a perfect Hermione, either-if you have a perfect Ron as your brother and a Harry for a boyfriend, aren't you more of a Ginny? After he started dating Blaine, Kurt thought of himself as more of a Ginny-he'd never quite respected Ginny, though, and started to dislike the comparison. Why couldn't he have a Ron? He most certainly was a Hermione, not a Ginny. Ginny was an underdeveloped character with a bit of an attitude problem. Hermione was sweet, kind, witty…

But Kurt stuck with Blaine. It was okay to be the Ginny to such a perfect Harry, he guessed.

Then, that day in the coffee shop-he'd practically signed his own death certificate there, he realized. He'd just been introduced to Sebastian, and he reached out across the table, shook hands, and gave him a disdainful, "Pleasure."

He only realized later, when he was re-watching _The Sorcerer's Stone _with Blaine and Finn, that he realized what had happened, what he'd done.

Immortalized on that screen, he watched (with horror in his eyes instead of joy) Hermione Granger greet the future love of her life for the first time.

_Hermione looked over at the redheaded boy sitting across from her. "And-you are?" she asked politely, despite not being interested in the dull-looking boy with food in his mouth._

"_Um-Ron Weasley," he muttered out around the mouthful. _

"_Pleasure," she said with obvious contempt. _

Kurt's stomach twisted up in knots.

The next time he met Sebastian, he insulted him, made fun of his obvious virginity. Kurt fought the urge to begin to cry-they were _following the pattern. _It was beyond easy to respond in the same way Hermione would-he ignored Sebastian, pretended like he didn't care, like it didn't bother him that Sebastian thought of him as nothing but a sexless, nearly female little boy. He didn't need to add "believes his love life should go according to the world of a fictional series" to the list of things that Sebastian could make fun of him for.

Then, there was the slushy thing, which, yeah, was bad. Sebastian's attempt to ruin his clothes with the rock salt to help the stains was intercepted by Blaine, who took the rock salt-laced slushy to the eye because he lacked the foresight to _close his eyes _when something was coming at his face. Kurt really didn't understand Blaine, sometimes, although the slushy thing helped further along Kurt's Blaine-Harry mental comparison. It was rather valiant, and very much something Harry would do.

Then, there was the way Sebastian took Dave's attempted suicide. Poor Sebastian seemed to realize that his words could hurt people in the same way Ron did, way back when they defeated the troll. Sebastian's realization and their banter advanced his realization that he and Sebastian were following the same path as Ron and Hermione, almost to a T.

Sebastian wasn't a perfect Ron. Sebastian was intelligent and strangely calm for someone so volatile. He still poked fun at anyone he thought could take it, which meant Kurt still had a gay face and had earned a new nickname-"Toothless." Blaine didn't understand their relationship, and often tried to make them play nice. Kurt wouldn't have it. He knew that if he played nice for too long, he'd end up falling for Sebastian. Because Sebastian was just the right amount of Ron for him, he realized. Kurt wasn't a perfect Hermione. He suspected that they both had a bit of Draco in them.

His Harry seemed less and less appealing, as this continued. Blaine wasn't interesting in light of Sebastian's perfect Ron. Blaine's bowties and sweet kisses had nothing on Sebastian's fiery eyes as he laid into Kurt, happy to give as good as he got.

Surprisingly enough, Blaine was the one who broke it off. "I've seen the way you two look at each other," he'd said when Kurt asked him why. "Do you think I want to stand in the way of you guys' crazy relationship?"

Kurt had grinned. "Friends?" he asked, sticking out a hand to shake.

Blaine smiled back, and bent down to kiss the proffered hand. "Only forever."

"Blaine, you cheese ball!"

Later that night, after watching and re-watching practically every Ron and Hermione moment in all eight movies, Kurt texted Sebastian, saying, _I need to talk to you. Lima Bean tomorrow okay?_

Only a few seconds later, Sebastian replied. _Sure thing. Wear boy clothes._

Kurt fell asleep with a smile on his face.

He wore a sweater from the women's section to coffee the next day; he walked in to find Sebastian already there, lounging at a table with a dopey grin on his face. Kurt seated himself across from Sebastian, and gave him a nervous smile. He took a sip of the coffee Sebastian had so kindly provided him.

"_Well?" _Sebastian said testily. "What do you want to talk about? Blaine not living up to your standards in your far-too-pristine bedroom? Want me to give him some pointers?"

Kurt smiled nervously. "No, Blaine and my sex life was perfectly acceptable."

"_Was? _If you only do it once and vow to never speak of it again, it doesn't count as a sex life, Hummel, and I'd hardly deem that acceptable."

"We-Blaine and I broke up," Kurt said.

Sebastian was thrown off guard. "Oh," he said. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

Kurt paused. Fidgeted with the sleeve to his cup of coffee. "You're the Ron to my Hermione," he muttered.

"Louder, honey, I couldn't hear you. Maybe you should look into some dentures." Despite the teasing, Sebastian was leaning in, looking concerned.

Kurt looked up. "You're the Ron to my Hermione," he said.

Sebastian frowned. "I don't think I follow."

"Well, we fight a lot, right? And before that, when we first met, I just said 'Pleasure,' rudely, and then, at Scandals, you made fun of me, and then the whole thing with Karofsky was like with the troll, how you realized your words could hurt people, and we have this friendship where we fight all the time, yeah? We're following the pattern, right? We both get exasperated with each other, but we really like each-"

Sebastian dove across the table, catching Kurt's lips with his own. Kurt dropped his coffee to the ground.

He felt like someone should be saying, "OI! There's a war going on, here!"


End file.
